Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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