remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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