he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
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My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
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He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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