So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
