I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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