i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
