She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
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