I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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