Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
