Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
