You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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