see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Im part way to drunk.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
