You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
