I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
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It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
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Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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