so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
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no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
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In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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