At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
