Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
