Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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