My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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