Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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