walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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