My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
My apartment stinks of burning failure
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
