i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
