I'm gonna have a badass scar
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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