so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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