pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
