lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
