Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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