we're chasing vodka with high fives
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
