Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
