I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i barfeds in our rink
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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