sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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