Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
