the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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