hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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