it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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