how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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