Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
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She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
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i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
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