My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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