Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
