you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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