Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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