It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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