Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
