Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
