Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Can I color on your dick again?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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