I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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