gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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