You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
