Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
