Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
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