Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
don't judge my taste in strippers
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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