if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
