apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
