I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
