mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
